One.

The scan went really well this morning. We have confirmation that there is only one baby in there. The measurements are all right on track and we saw the little flutter of a heartbeat. It brought tears to both of our eyes.

Our neighbor graciously came over to watch J at 6:30 this morning so we could get to the appointment on time. When I got home I showed her the scan photos and J asked to see them. I handed him two pictures wondering what I would tell him they were if he asked. He didn’t ask, instead he chuckled and said, “That’s cool pictures.” He then put them down and counted them- one two.

We are so thankful that everything looks great so far. We have decided to tell our families at Christmas. We are excited and a little perplexed about how life with two children works. It is hard to imagine loving anyone else as much as we love J or being as available to someone else. Of course, the thought of J as a big brother can reduce me to a puddle of tears- he is going to be so great at it. All is good.

Well…

Try # 3: BFP!!!!!

We really can’t believe it.  Like, at all.  I have been meaning to post about this cycle because it was such a train wreck.  This was the last try with our MD because she was so far away and we weren’t totally happy with the care.  We only went through with it because we had one more vial there and the logistics of trying to move it to the new MD were too difficult to contemplate.  It really was a last shot in the dark, so to speak.  Stick it up there and see what happens.  

Of all of our attempts, this was the first time I wasn’t able to go with L.  I had a lot of feelings about it at the time, and still do.  I had a meeting with the head of my department and between that and the fact that I work 2 hours from the hospital, there was no way I could make it in time.  It sounds stupid that I couldn’t blow off work, but we didn’t really think it would be successful.  If I knew it would have resulted in a BFP, I would have.  Honestly, this whole thing is a series of gambles and this time I drew the short straw.  L has tried to make me feel better about it, but it just brings up that tiny little fear that I am not an essential element in this process.  I know that is not true, I do.  But, come on, I wasn’t there when my wife got pregnant.  Ouch.

Anyway, not to get sidetracked from the good news, which is that all of the betas have been really strong.  According to beta.base, we are high for a singleton and low for twins.  Tomorrow morning we are going for an ultrasound.  L and I are both a little freaked out by the prospect of twins.  Not that it is not doable, I know we could do it, it is just not how we have ever conceived of our family.  Don’t laugh.  I know that we don’t get to choose exactly how this happens.  And we have known that meds increase likelihood; I even signed a consent to that effect.  The thought is just a crazy one.  On top of the numbers, L’s symptoms are totally different this time around.  I think that is pretty normal, but I think we are both wondering if things are different because there is more than one baby in there.  Her symptoms are way less uncomfortable than the first time around.  By now, she was sick, sick, sick.  She couldn’t look at anything green and actually stopped being able to go into our kitchen at all because she could smell the vegetables in the fridge.  Now, other than being bloated and pretty tired, she is practically normal.  Hasn’t thrown up once.  I really hope that holds.  Last time she threw up until 20 weeks.  It was rough for both of us- but mostly her.

So, hurray!  We are really pregnant.  We have told almost nobody, which has been fun, but it as it is feeling more real, it is hard not to be talking about it all the time.  Keep your fingers crossed for us for a good, successful scan tomorrow.  We are excited and nervous and hope hope hope the little one(s) is/are healthy and on track.

nope.

Well, I am not pregnant.   I don’t know why I thought the second time would be easier.   I really did.   I am pretty sure we both thought it would be easier.   Last night H and I had a hard discussion; one with tears and hurt feelings.   At the end of it all it was clear that this go around has been hard, and most likely will continue to be hard. We feel disconnected from each other and disconnected from the process. We are changing that in baby steps. The most stressful part is that J only is getting bigger and thus there is going to be a larger gap inbetween our children then we have wanted. The other stresser is sperm. Our precious commodity is limited (6 vials of IUI and 4 of IVF) (We also had always thought that we wanted to have three kids; but now after having one, two is seeming a much better fit for our family…. strange how much changes after a baby.) One of the biggest differences between this time and the last is J. Obviously. He is so present, happy, amazing and demanding of our time. Yesterday, after our resounding negative test, he was up, bouncing on the bed, excited for Halloween and oatmeal, and asking about watching signing time. There is no time to dwell or talk things out. It has become clear we need to make a bit more space for that and not just collapse into bed after putting him to bed and then watching t.v. I am making an appointment today with the other fertility clinic in our area. We will do one more cycle and then change. I like change – it feels like maybe that will be the trick.

Musings from the tail end of the TWW: now from my new iPhone!

This is the stuff of dreams. I am really excited that I will be able to post on the go! Of course I am sitting at home and not on the go at all, but I like knowing it is possible.

We are now at week 1.5 of the TWW. L and I had a conversation today about how this time around, things feel so different. I find that I am not nearly as emotional about the tries and the TWWs as I was the first time. Of course we are only on our second TWW, so I am sure that is part of it. But I also wonder how much is self protection. This sh!t is hard, after all. Also, our lives were really different last time. In addition to wanting a baby more than anything in the world, we made a lot of plans based on the birth of said baby. The major thing was that we planned to move out of NYC once the baby was born. (We did in fact move when J was 5 weeks old, which I will tell you was a really stupid plan. I would not encourage anyone to do this.) It really felt like we needed this baby thing to come through so we could get on with all of our other life plans. The mythical baby was the key to unlock our future. We put even more pressure on an already difficult process. Every BFN, not to mention L’s surgery that delayed us starting, felt like our plans were stalled and we were in a holding pattern waiting for something (everything) to change.

We want this baby just as much as the first one, but this time we are settled in a life that we really love. Luckily, this baby just has to be a baby. That is enough pressure.

TWW #2

I have had a really hard time finding time to post so I am late in saying that we are in the throes of TWW #2.  L finally got her LH surge on Saturday morning, which was CD 20.  She called the hospital and found out they could see us that morning.  We changed out of pajamas as fast as we could and raced down to the hospital.  Unlike last time, the nurse was really friendly and nice.  It was an easy appointment, but no ultrasound, as I had feared. 

Afterward we went into a small town nearby for coffee and muffins and noticed an antique train pull into the station, which is right down town.  J loves trains so we decided to go take a look.  First we saw a huge old steam engine and as we approached J said, “Beautiful” in a hushed town.  He was totally awed.  We then saw that there were 2 hour “leaf-peeping” train rides and we decided, on the spur of the moment, to jump on board.  There were many families on the train who had obviously planned ahead and had picnic lunches and the like.  We realized once aboard that we didn’t even have an extra diaper.  So like us.  Luckily, everything worked out on that front.  J was really excited and loved the train ride until he fell fast asleep 45 minutes in.  Train rides are very relaxing, after all.  For the rest of the trip L and talked and took in the beautiful scenery.  It was the perfect thing to do after an insem.

L started prog.esterone on Monday and now we wait.  We are undecided about when we will test.  As it always seems, this first week has gone pretty fast, so I assume next week will drag by.  Here’s hoping that we will get a BFP and not have to worry about changing doctors or any of that mess. 

Also, please keep Olive and Fern in your thoughts as they wait for sweet little Goldie while also dealing with pre-e.

Doing it again.

Here I am blogging again.  This is a two-year record! 

As you may have guessed, if you saw my last post, the last TWW ended in a BFN.  We were both disappointed.  It was strange because L’s period came really early, which is never how her body acts.  It came on Monday and we were going to test on the following Saturday.  Strange indeed.  L’s MD does not prescribe prog.esterone as a matter of course and did not do a blood test after insem.  Previously, blood tests always showed she had low proges.terone and she would be put on it, but not this time.  We have wondered if this factored into the results.

Folks inquired about the differences between this time and last time and I would say that the lack of monitoring is one of the biggest.  We had an initial appointment with the MD which was very comprehensive.  At that appointment she gave L a prescription for Fem.ara and the instructions on the protocol.  This was a couple of months before we actually started trying.  When the month came that we were going to start, L talked to the nurse to check in and followed the protocol.  The Fem.ara seemed to work like a charm.  Day 14 ov.ulation, day 15 we went in for the insem.  They didn’t do an ultrasound, just a simple stirrups and syringe affair.  Then we were sent home to wait.  It all felt a little too easy (if it worked) and like we had too little information about what was actually happening.  We have to travel about an hour to the appointments so the lack of daily/any monitoring has its benefits, but it would be nice to feel like we know more about if/how the meds are working, how many follicles there are, etc.  

For this next round, L requested that she be put on proge.sterone and the MD promptly prescribed it.  The dose of Fem.ara was doubled.  I wonder if they will do an ultrasound this time.  I hope so.  L has PC.OS so, from what I read, her body could be doing anything with the meds and I just want to know what we are dealing with. 

The other major difference is that in NYC we saw the MD at every appointment.  This time, the MD works between two distant locations and we haven’t seen her since the initial appointment.  L has talked to her on the phone, but mostly to the nurses.  This has been frustrating, but perhaps one of the things that happens when you decide to move out of the city.

My job recently moved because my building was destroyed by tropical storm Irene.  Sadly, I now work 45 minutes from home, rather than 15.  My new location is also in the opposite direction of the hospital.  If we have to go in on a work day, it would mean missing at least half a day.  We are thinking about changing doctors to one that is on this side of the state, but doesn’t have as good a reputation.  Although, they did knock up a friend of ours, which is all that really matters.  We are impatiently waiting for ov.ulation and will do the next insem. with our current practice, but we are concurrently working on seeing the new MD if this round is another BFN.  Ideally, we could switch without having to miss a month of trying.

Have any of you had experience with Fem.ara?  This is our first time.  It makes L less crazy than clom.id, which we all appreciate, but she is on double the dose this month and ovula.tion is happening much much slower.  Is that normal?

Dusting off the old blog

Hey everyone.  I am not sure if anyone is out there anymore.  Maybe we are still on your Reader so you will see this.  Maybe you will click over wondering if we are really posting or if this site has been taken over by a seller of pants for babies.  Worry not, it is really us- technically me, hbabypants, writing this post.  I feel a little like when you run into someone you haven’t seen since high school and there is the awkward, “what have you been up to for the last 15 years?” conversation.

Quickest update:  L and I now live in VT, which is awesome.  J pants turned 2 in June and he is taking being 2 very seriously.  He is funny and smart and so willful.  I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way, but on some mornings when we are trying to get out of the house, man I wish he would be a bit more cooperative.  L and I both have good jobs with the State.  My work was completely devastated by Hurricane Irene, so I have been working from home waiting for my temporary work site to be ready.  Working from home may be one reason I thought restarting the blog was a good idea.  L stopped home for a couple of minutes this morning and I practically begged her to stay longer.  Hmm, I guess I need human contact.  What else?  We still have 3 cats, but have added three fish and six hens to our menagerie.  We landed in an amazing little house in a great neighborhood.  We have become great friends with our neighbors and overall love living in a small town.  People are so friendly here.  The other day we talked with our mailman for a long time about how he is about to get miniature donkeys for his kids.  Interesting.  People stop for pedestrians and let each other into traffic.  People say hi, make eye contact, and if you are in line for anything you will end up talking to the people around you.  Living here, the place where L grew up, I can now see how she developed some of the qualities that I love the best about her.

We have jumped on the TTC train once again.  There have been lots of feelings about this, but also a strange calmness.  Maybe not calmness, exactly, but we have both been so distracted with so many other things that all of a sudden, it was time to start trying again.  Now we are in our first TWW.  We will test next weekend.  It was a very interesting and different experience from the first time- I am sure there is material for many posts.

I am not sure where this will go or how often we will post.  L and I have both been inspired by the blog carnival and have talked about them a lot.  I guess I just wanted to reserve a place in case I/we wanted to participate.  Also, judging by how much I love reading posts by First Time Second Time and Olive at Insert Metaphor I realize that there is not a lot written by, for, or about non-bio moms and I think I could add to that conversation.  And I assume L has stuff she might like to say too.  So there it is.  The first tentative steps back into our blog.

why hello there…

Wow we have been gone so long.   I am sorry, it is not you guys it is us.    We have been busy and trying to figure out what end is up.   We moved out to Denver which was great in many ways but it was ultimately not where we wanted to end up and so we were faced with the decision to put down roots there knowing that we would up-end our family at some point in the near future or up-end the family now.   We decided to live in the moment.    It was a very hard decision.    It meant leaving cousins and other family, and dear friends.    If you have met Olive and Fern, you know how hard that decision is.    But we have done it.   And we are happy in our little town in Vermont.   Yes. Vermont.    I bet many of you, if you have been following this blog, saw that coming.   We have a lovely little house (and by that I mean huge – it is four bedrooms) and for the first time since either of us have left for college we do not have an apartment number in our address.    Our garden is amazing and I find myself checking in on it in the morning and a night.   H.pants has a job and that has been a huge transition.    We both have not worked in a year.    An amazing thing really since neither of us have a trust fund…. oh trust fund please show up… I have been looking for you.    So yes, by living with family and spending every last dime of our savings we have not worked.    It was awesome and we are having a hard time letting go of retirement.   I will be going back to work soon but I have to do an internship here for 3 days a week before I can be admitted (oh yes, and I must take the bar again this July).    So there are so many changes.     J.pants will go to  daycare two days a week and his nana will care for him the other day.   We are nervous about that, but he is going to do really well.   He loves being around other kids.     Taking a nap without nursing? I don’t know.   Sleep? that is a whole separate post.

I have so much catching up to do.   I have been reading, but not consistently, and i hope to be diving back into that in the next couple of days.

xoxo

L.pants

Oh, and a few of photos of Mr. Pants

a Halloween pumpkin

It is not you, it is us

We have been so bad at blogging, of course that has been the lead of our last few posts and the last one was in September.   How the heck did that happen!!!    I am not going to promise or even think that I will get back to blogging.   I have thought about blogging so much, I still read everyone’s news every day (when I can) and I have been wanting to get back into it, but blogging is like any other friendship and it is hard to get back in touch when it has been so long.      I miss you guys.

It is a new year and I can’t help but to wish 2010 wishes to everyone.    I hope 2010 brings great happiness to our friends out there, pregnancies, healthy babies, happy relationships and joy.    Personally, I hope 2010 brings comfort and contentment with our decision to move away from Vermont (yes we are still here, but leaving in the middle of the month), some excercise (I would so like to lose some weight), and it is time to make some money since our savings are almost out so a job.     2009, I loved you and I will look back on you with so much fondness.   I hope that 2010 is that kind of year for the majority of you out there.