nope.

Well, I am not pregnant.   I don’t know why I thought the second time would be easier.   I really did.   I am pretty sure we both thought it would be easier.   Last night H and I had a hard discussion; one with tears and hurt feelings.   At the end of it all it was clear that this go around has been hard, and most likely will continue to be hard. We feel disconnected from each other and disconnected from the process. We are changing that in baby steps. The most stressful part is that J only is getting bigger and thus there is going to be a larger gap inbetween our children then we have wanted. The other stresser is sperm. Our precious commodity is limited (6 vials of IUI and 4 of IVF) (We also had always thought that we wanted to have three kids; but now after having one, two is seeming a much better fit for our family…. strange how much changes after a baby.) One of the biggest differences between this time and the last is J. Obviously. He is so present, happy, amazing and demanding of our time. Yesterday, after our resounding negative test, he was up, bouncing on the bed, excited for Halloween and oatmeal, and asking about watching signing time. There is no time to dwell or talk things out. It has become clear we need to make a bit more space for that and not just collapse into bed after putting him to bed and then watching t.v. I am making an appointment today with the other fertility clinic in our area. We will do one more cycle and then change. I like change – it feels like maybe that will be the trick.