Fear looks a little red

I am pretty sure the fear is gone. But it was in our little house in Brooklyn. Arround 2:30 I started having some spotting. Not ever enough to be on my underwear or a pad but enough to be the red stain of fear when I wiped. The red faded to brown arround 6. I called the RE, and was told that “spotting is not abnormal” and that I could call back if there was more blood or if I was in pain. I am happy to say that I have not had to call back. We are cautiously not stressing out about the bleeding. We will keep you all updated.

Reports from a Zombie

I have been ridiculously tired this past week.   Dragging on the floor tired.    Sometimes slurring my words tired.   I can’t seem to get ahead of the tiredness.   I also cannot stop waking up early in the morning with my mind racing in the dark.  I just feel a bit like a different person, I am absolutely altered by the sleepiness.     Yesterday for instance I fell asleep at 7:15 on the couch, H. woke me up at 9 to eat dinner and I watched 15 minutes of our president.   I proceeded to get so cranky mostly because of the bozo who is supposed to be the leader of our country but also because, as I whined to H., I am so tired, so off to bed I went at 9:15-9:20, and then I did not wake up until 5:30 when I coaxed myself back to sleep from about 6:30 to 7:15.  

I am feeling more positive about this pregnancy.   I am less worried and I find myself thinking about giving birth as a reality rather then a dream that could be crushed at any moment.   Sometimes I don’t know if my worry is not really about a miscarriage, but more that I am overwhelmed by this reality.   I don’t want to sound ungrateful.   I am so grateful I am pregnant.  So grateful.  But it is a strange place to be in, having what you have really wanted for so long.   I am happy don’t get me wrong but it is an overwhelmed happy.   Sort of like on H’s and my wedding day – the week leading up to that I just did not know where to put all the emotions I was having.  Right now I am exploding with emotion, but also numb, because did I mention I am bone tired.    I also really just want all my friends to have this.   I have an over reaching sense of justice.   When I was four, my mama likes to tell this story, I would always say that something was unfair, sometimes the unfairness was about me but most of the time I just thought the world worked in the wrong way.   She would respond “L, it is time you know that life is not fair.”  I am still working on this lesson.   I want things to be fair.    I want you all to be pregnant, and I have to say it feels a bit weird being pregnant without you.   I hope that makes sense – did I mention I am really really tired?

Well well well

Today L had another blood draw and her hC.G is now 1176!!!  We are super excited and so relieved.  We had a great weekend and worked really hard on trusting that her body is doing what it needs to do.  When we just focused on her symptoms and not the numbers it seemed obvious that things were progressing fine, but having the numerical confirmation is nice too.  We don’t have to go back until Oct 1, when we will have our first ultra.sound.  I can’t believe it.

So, a quick list of L’s symptoms:

• Mind-numblingly tired – She slept ALL weekend and is currently taking a nap in her office at work.  She doesn’t even have the energy to blog anymore!
• Nuasea!!! – we went out to dinner on Friday and she thought she was going to throw up so she took a glass of water and stepped outside to get some fresh air (hard to find in Manhattan-no offense) and when she came back in she said, “Don’t you think that ketchup smells disgusting?!! I can’t stand it.”  I did not detect the odor of ketchup at all.
• Bigger bre.asts- she is in for quite a time, I fear.  We are only in the first weeks!
• New reports of digestive trouble- doctor just told her this morning she should take bene.fiber every morning. Like my grandma.

It is amazing that with each new discomfort she feels we are both ecstatic.

Thanks for all of your good thoughts and wishes for us.  We have relied on all of your support a ton in the last couple of weeks and it has made a huge difference.  We couldn’t have done it without you. xoxo.

Ready

This week has been so strange.   It has not been what I imagined this week would be like.   I really thought we would find out we were pregnant and we would be so, so happy.   Instead, I have been feeling a bit paralyzed.   Or terrified depending on when  you catch me.    I have been happy too, those moments are have just been a bit far in between the times of intense worry.     I have had to cut myself off from the computer entirely.   (I am sorry for my lack of commenting.)    I have been pretty successful, but anytime I am on the computer I find myself researching about HCG numbers.   It is mixed bag out there and I read one story on a blog or chat room about how one woman’s low numbers ended in a miscarriage and I have a hard time stepping away from the edge of the bridge.   Then I feel ungrateful, I am pregnant, this is what so many people want, what I wanted, and I have it.   How can I be so scared.   Then I tell myself: no you have to prepare for the reality of losing this baby.   Then I tell myself: no you have to be ready to not lose this baby and if you keep thinking negatively you are certainly going to lose it.    H. is wonderful.  She is holding my hope, she is dealing with my zombie type behavior, she is reminding me hourly that the most important thing is that the numbers are doubling.  Which they are.  I am so lucky.    I now have a better idea of what you have experienced miscarriages have gone through – I can somehow cry about those lost babies.   I have not cried all week about my numbers until this morning – inexplicably on the subway train.  I let myself go too far to the dark place.   

I think it is a great sign that my numbers are doubling, that I have symptoms, and that my RE does not want to see me until Monday.    I am ready.   I am ready to be away from this worry.  I am ready to be excited for this baby.   I love this baby.  I want this baby.  I am ready to blog.   I am ready to comment.   I am ready.  I just have to convience my brain I am ready too.

In the triple digits

Sorry we didn’t post this yesterday.  L had another blood draw and her hC.G is up to 130.  She spoke with the doctor directly and she said that while the number is still a little low, it is doubling like it should so she thinks everything is okay.  L has to go back on Monday for another test.  We both thought it was a positive sign that she didn’t have to go back again this week. 

L’s pregnancy symptoms are continuing full strength, which we both also see as extemely positive.  She is so tired that she took the last two days off of work and basically slept all day.  Today she went to court in the morning and by the time she called me at lunch was so tired she was almost slurring her words.  She slept in her office-mate’s recliner for about an hour and when she woke up she decided to just go home and take a proper nap.  Also, her bre.asts are definitely bigger. 

We are feeling more confident about things, though still pretty cautious.  I know that there is always a risk that something could go wrong, I just hope we get to the place where we can let ourselves be really excited.  I also wish that these numbers did not play such a role in how we are feeling about things.  If we never knew what L’s numbers were, and were just going by how her body felt (imagine that!) we would be so confident that things are going well.  Alas, this is the blessing and the curse of science.

Okay, this is good.

So we got L’s beta numbers today and she is up to 58.  So, since Friday (20) it has almost tripled.  That is good right?  Well, the nurse at the RE’s office said that she still thinks it is a little low.  L asked if she should be really concerned about it and the nurse said, “I wouldn’t be really concerned, but I just wish it was higher.”  On Friday, she told us that she hoped it would be at least 50 today.  L, being the over-achiever that she is, brings in a 58, and the nurse is still concerned.  It is like we started a race and the finish line got moved back.  The nurse is going to talk to our RE and one of them will call L back to talk more about it.  L is in court all day today, and I could tell from our brief conversation that she is fighting really hard not be freaked out by this.  This is my social worker coming out here, but I really wish the nurse had said “It is great that your number has almost tripled in the last two days. It is in the normal range for hCG levels at this point in pregnancy (which it is, acc’d to the American Pregnancy Assoc) We hope the number will continue to climb, and we will see you back on Wednesday to check it again.  Have a great day.”  Would that really be so hard to say?  The above statement yields approximately the same amount of information that she shared with L, just with a half-full spin to it. 

Hopefully numbers will continue to grow and we will have (more) good news to report on Wednesday.  Keep your fingers crossed for us.

The results are in

I have a beta of 20.3.   This is really not great but the RE thinks it is because we tested a day earlier then 14 days from our last IUI.    I am really hopeful that all of this just means that I had late implantation and/or that the 2ndIUI was the one that got me pregnant.     I am doing my best to step away from the computer, stop googling, and just hope that it doubles or triples when we go back in for a blood test on Monday.   If anyone has success stories of yourself or another who had a low beta I would love to hear it.   Thank you everyone for your outpouring of love and support – It has been really so good to have you all.

Its really positive!

We are pregnant.   I will update with beta numbers when we get them. 

We want to thank you all for your comments yesterday.  We were excited, but also nervous and as each comment rolled in it was wonderful.   We are now excited but also a bit stunned.

a whisper

After much debate about if we should do a test at all-we had a whisper of a line today when we did a preg.nancy test.   We both saw the line, but it was very faint, hard to take a picture faint.   I have done some mad research this morning and have read a line is a line.   I don’t know what to make of it honestly.  We so want to pregnant, and I get the blood test tomorrow, so for right now I think we are cautiously excited and a bit wary at the same time.   I am worried this means my HCG levels are really low (it is day 13dpo) and I am headed to a miscarriage – I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it, if we do.  For right now, I so want to hopeful and happy.

With tears in my eyes

I did not know that H. had written a post about our anniversary until I came to write a post about our anniversary too.   I come bearing pictures but I can’t compete with the sweetness of H’s post. As I write this I have tears of happiness in my eyes. 

 

So here are the flowers from our wedding which were grown for us by one of my mom’s best friends and then contained by sap buckets in real Vermont elegance.   The second picture is of our tent where we were planning to just have the reception.  We were planning to have the ceremony in my mother’s garden about a 1/2 a mile away but as you can see from this picture we had a huge rain storm right on the hour that we were going to get married so we did a quick change to the tent.    After all that change, the rain cleared up just as we were ready to walk down the field to the tent.   In a way it was perfect and better then I thought when we were switching locations.   It all felt very intimate in the tent and I think everyone was bonded because we had all gone through the group project of moving the whole ceremony.   In many ways I can’t believe that it has only been 2 years since we had our ceremony, in others I remember that day like it was last week.   I woke up this morning so happy I had married H in all her cuteness, kindness and love of the world. 

p.s. in TCCing news: my progesterone level is low (13) even though I have been prometrium, so I am increasing my dose tonight.   I can’t help to but to feel a bit discouraged.   We are going in for a blood test on Friday.