Today is CD1. I have all the cramps and the back-pain to prove it. Progesterone must make those suckers worse. I am ready to start again. We had a great weekend with a good friend (A) who came up from Georgia. I drank a good healthy amount on both Saturday and Sunday nights and generally had a grand ol time.
I am off to have some advil, take a bath, and drink a glass of wine (in moderation of course because here we are at the beginning).
Thank you all for you super nice comments. A BFN goes down a lot better with some friends.
I talked to my RE, and I am going to increase the clomid to 150mg this cycle. Also I continued the progesterone for two days, to delay my period, so I would not have to do crazy driving arround the 4th of July when my sisters and I are throwing my mama a 65th birthday party. I am happy to report that today is my first day free of hormanal hollanaise (as Ms. Bluemont so artfully nicknamed the experience). I am pretty darn sure H is happy I am now off progesterone too.
I wanted to post some pictures of the two baby quilts we made. I am very proud of them. H did the majority of the sewing and this was her first “project” – it was impressive. Our friends, K + K, are going to have twin boys. I am excited for their shower. This is our first lesbian baby shower – I think that might make it better. They had a hard time getting pregnant, and finally did through IVF. I think this shower is going to be a real celebration of their pregnancy. Here is our contribution:
The quilts are mainly brown, but then have strip on the bottom of the front and a smaller one on the top of the back, in blue and yellow fabrics. My favorite fabric is the trucks and H.’s favorite is the ducks.
I don’t know why it feels better to call this process a science project – it is so clearly not that. I fallen in love with the idea of a baby born in what ever month the due date would be both times, and both times I truly thought I was pregnant. I think I am now in need of some denial of how attached I was to the potential (hope/desire/f*ck this might really happen) of both cycles and thus I am calling this a science project. It is not really a science project it is my dream, our dream for at least a year and concretely since November. We were forced to sit on the bench with this process and although I am so happy to be in the game, it can really hurt.
Something I know all of you will appreciate is what happened when I called the doctors office today. The receptionist answered and I told her I was calling for blood results and she said: “the dr. will call you tomorrow.” I freaked internally and said in as calm a voice as possible “can you at least tell me if I am pregnant.” shuffle, shuffle. “No you are not, call back tomorrow to talk to Dr. B” click. I mean what the f*ck, wait until tomorrow?
I am going to talk to Dr. B, I think I am going to ask to change something, and of course ask her opinion. But I am thinking I want to be on more clomid at the very least – this is sort of akin to asking for a bullet but it seems right to me. I want to talk to her too about what she thinks a time line could, or should, look like.
H. is working late tonight, so I am going to be headed home with a bottle of wine in my hand – I hope to not be asleep when she arrives at 9:30, but the bed after a big glass of wine is sounding pretty good.
Thank you for all your hope and well wishes this cycle. It means so much to both of us. What dear friends you all are.
Thank you all for your wishes for a relaxing and distracting weekend. I think your wishes worked. We had a wonderful time in Boston, and sort of dreaded coming back to work.
Tomorrow is the day: we are going for a blood test in the morning and then we hear in the afternoon. Sadly H. will be in a meeting from 2 to 4. So I guess I will send her a text message one way or the other? I think we will have to discuss this tonight, what she wants me to do. In terms of symptoms I have fuller then normal breasts that H. says are harder then normal too, nipps that feel like they have needles in them (this is not a constant thing – thank the good lord), cramps, headaches that are short and sweet, and heartburn. On the teeter totter of hope (or sea saw for my British friends) I have been mostly high in the sky with hope, but every now and then my butt is bruised by despair as I bounce onto the ground.
Today I was at the pizza shop across the street getting lunch and diamonds on the soles of her shoes by Paul Simon was playing. I could not help but to sing along a bit. Graceland was an album in heavy rotation in my house when I was young. I think it was one of the few tapes in the car, also there was a Police tape, and my sisters, my mother and I would all sing so loud in the car. My heart leaped when the song started today, I knew every next word and beat. Graceland will be a staple in our house too, I can’t wait to have our little kids singing every word, and making every percussion beat with their mouths. What music do you look forward to sharing with your children or future children?
I am trying to not pay attention to when we can go get a blood test, but I am getting more and more focused on it. Wednesday is our day so there are 5 more days to go. Last cycle my RE was in surgery so I did not hear the results until 5 o’clock – I am hoping that I hear earlier in the day this time because that was the longest day ever. I have been monitoring my “symptoms” but I am not confident they mean anything. The only one of real note is the sore nipps. It is problematic – mainly because I have size G (or really GG) breasts and they stick out and thus get bumped into a lot. I don’t think I noticed how much they were bumped into until this last week. Today I have heartburn that will not go away, but after some dr.googling it appears that progesterone could be the cause. And I have been emotional. On Wednesday I was in a court part and started to cry because a court officer was pissed at me, and I felt it was unjustified. I walked into the back of the courtroom where the jail is, sat down on a bench and just kept crying. The crying was clearly not about work in my mind, but I am not sure what it was about. I could not stop, well I did stop eventually – I am not writing this from the back of a court room but it took a long time. My job is stressful: my clients are difficult, their situations are difficult, and there is a ton of conflict and arguing. I actually like the conflict most of time. I normally do not cry at work, at commercials while sitting on the couch in my house: yes. The last and only time I have cried in court was back in December when I had the cancer scare and was told I had to have surgery. On both occasions it was so embarrassing but unavoidable. Work just gets in the way sometimes of some huge emotions. The savior of Wednesday was that I got to go to acupuncture which calmed me right down.
We are going away for the weekend to Boston. I am excited because we are seeing my sister and my dear law school friends. It should be busy and fun (there is a surprise wedding shower to attend). I hope it keeps my mind off all of the pregnancy count down. While H went to the youth Pride event for work, I had dinner with friends and one of them when I explained where we are in the cycle said: “WHAT are you going to do until you know?” I ask myself that too.
I know that getting out of dodge is going to help.
Last night I attended a Pride celebration at one of our foster care agencies. There was a whole program made up of singing (Including a rousing version of “The Greatest Love of All”), awesome dancing, and poetry reading. It was amazing to see these young people get up so bravely in front of their peers and share their feelings and talents. And it was great to see the audience (most of whom are not L G B T or Q) supporting their peers. Everyone was wearing rainbow t-shirts and bracelets and cheering for the lesbian teenager whose poem spoke about what gay pride means to her, and for the mother who got up to speak about how she is HIV+ and how she loves her bisexual daughter (who later got up to rap with “I’m Coming Out” remixed in the background). It made me feel so hopeful and so happy. These are people society fears- inner city adolescents of color (for the most part). I wish everyone could see what I saw last night and know that these young people are the best among us- we just have to give them that chance.
I feel sort of a deep satisfaction that I have made it through this last week so semi sane. Not that I have not been obsessing but as H said in her earlier post I am feeling a bit more calm. I think the progesterone is not whacking the fuck out of me as much as it did last cycle. Now I don’t want anyone to think I am cocky over here, I know the second week is the hardest one… Here we are on 8dpo and I have not really felt pregnant this cycle, but my symptoms to report are: small cramps, and super sensitive nipples but not sore breasts. Also, I have been more tired, but I don’t think this is a sure fire sign of pregnancy since it has been almost 100 degrees here, and I am a hot weather wimp. I go to acupuncture tomorrow so I am interested if she says anything about the cycle.
-L (I have decided I am going to follow the lead of Vee and Jay start signing off and convince H to do so as well so you guys know who is writing.)