We have come such a long way.
A year ago today we got up at 6:30 in the morning to get to Dr. B’s office by 7:30 – 8. We had just driven down from Vermont where we spent Thanksgiving. We spent Thanksgiving with me peeing on OPKs and tons of time spent on analyzing if the test line was as dark as the control line. Often we were huddled in a bathroom together because we did not tell anyone that we were starting to actively try to get pregnant. I remember that morning really well. We were ridiculously full of hope, so naive, and I think we might have even said to each other that ever annoying statement of people who are starting out – “Lets go get pregnant”. We were crushed that day because that was the first day after months of monitoring, even a water ultrasound, and a biopsy of a small cyst in my uterus that Dr. B saw the big cyst. It was pretty clear from the beginning that Dr. B did not feel comfortable going ahead with an insemination until she knew what the heck was going on in there. We were okay with this because I was not ovulating anyway. I was so confident that all was really okay and that we would be able to do an insemination, just later in the week. We went back to the doctor the next day and she was more open with her concerns. Following that was a couple of weeks from hell. I was told that I might have cancer, that they would stage my ovaries so that my eggs could be preserved for future IVFs and I had about 25 vaginal ultrasounds (literally). We scheduled the surgery and really the rest is history. The surgery was painful, but I did not have cancer and we were cleared to start trying in April. We had such a different approach to trying to get pregnant in April then we did in November.
As we are up in Vermont with my family making gluten free cornbread stuffing for H (and the rest of us!!) I can’t help but to be so so so grateful. We are here in our fertility process. I am 14 weeks pregnant and I am almost thankful for this whole year including the not getting pregnant right away and the surgery. We are incredibly grateful that all of our experiences prompted us to search for lesbian trying to conceive blogs and we found all of you. There are those of you who I have met in person and I feel so connected to – even if we just met once. And then, in a way that I can’t really explain, I feel a bond with the people I have never met. I think to myself about when you are going to find out if you are pregnant or not and I look forward to the post. I am hopeful that next year as I reflect on things to be truly joyful about I can add tons of you being pregnant or having your babies in your arms. There is a different air in my thankfulness this year then last year. Last year I was naive, jumpy, and not aware of what this world would throw us. This year I am more aware (although I am sure not completely), much less naive, and so settled in where we are right now. What I can not really believe at all is that next year at this time our whole life will be different again and in ways we probably can’t imagine.
When I was little, to tease me my Grandma would call me George. When I would protest she would say, “Sorry I forgot your name Gertrude.” This game could go on for a long time, and as lous as I protested, I LOVED every minute of it. I loved that she wanted to joke around with me. She has always made me feel so special and loved.
So last night I finally told my 91-year-old grandma that L is pregnant. I had sort of been avoiding it because I wasn’t toally sure how she would react. At one point I told her that we wanted to have kids and she said, “well, I wouldn’t rush into it. It is a lot of work.” I was a bit puzzled because she had 4 children and my brother and sister in law also have 4 and I don’t think she ever gave them that advice.
Anyway, she called last night and I decided just to tell her. We chatted a little and then I told her the BIG NEWS. I should not have been surprised, but she was super excited. She asked a lot of questions about when the baby is due and how L is feeling and what our plans are. She said, “Tell L that I am so excited for her. For both of you.” She said that we will be excellent parents, which may be the best compliment I have yet received in my life. She also told me that she loves both of us so much. It made me cry. And L cry when I told her about it.
My grandma has always been awesome and I admit that I totally underestimated her. Her son came out very late in life and since then they have developed a very honest relationship where they talk about anything and everything. He has really broken her in for me. My mom told her that I am gay the day she told my mom that my uncle is gay. The next time I saw her was for my grandfather’s funeral. They slept in twin beds their whole marriage (over 60 years), so because I was there unattached I got to room with my grandma. We were going to bed one night and she said, “you know your mom told me about your lifestyle… No, its not your lifestyle, its your life.” We then talked late into the night like college roommates. She is also so open and loving towards L (to be fair, it is hard, if not impossible, NOT to love L) and loves when we come to visit her. Both of L’s grandmothers passed away a long time ago, and her grandfather’s wife lives far far away, so I think that the relationship with my grandmother is also really important to her.
L and I decided long before we were even pregnant that if we ever had a girl we will name her after my grandma. For this reason, I really hope that Sprout is a girl. I try to be realistic about whether my grandma would be here to meet her namesake if we don’t have a girl until next time (or the time after, right L?) and I really want her to know how much we she means to us. Regardless of who Sprout turns out to be, I feel so grateful that Sprout will get to meet this amazing woman who is so excited that Sprout exists–and to be held by her just like I was when I was little. And still am.
We were tagged by Pufferfish:
- Wrapping paper or gift bags? We are mainly wrapping paper girls. We are big fans of brown paper and red ribbons. This year I think we are going to wrap presents in old maps that are from the 1950s that H found in her grandmother’s attic and then red or silver ribbons.
- Real tree or Artificial? Real and we bring it down from Vermont where we cut it in my hometown.
- When do you put up the tree? The Sunday after Thanksgiving.
- When do you take the tree down? Usually New Years day or the weekend after… the wreath however I never want to take down – it has stayed up until February to be honest.
- Do you like eggnog? Yes I do love it.
- Favorite gift received as a child? A doll that was the size of a 6 month old baby. It was after my sister was born and I would take care of him while my mother was taking care of her.
- Hardest person to buy for? My dad and H’s dad. Ties are so boring so I try to stay away from them.
- Easiest person to buy for? H.
- Do you have a nativity scene? No but we usually have an advent calendar. My mom has a nativity scene that she painted. I would like to do that sometime. Maybe in another lifetime.
- Mail or email Christmas cards? Oh I am not good at this.. I hope once sprout is here I will be better.
- Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I am going to give H’s : it was a pair of overalls that were linen with a coordinating mock turtleneck that was embroidered. Sadly it was from H’s mom and it was the first Christmas I celebrated with them and I could not stop laughing – it was so horrible.
- Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf – hands down.
- When do you start shopping for Christmas? Oh just about now.
- Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Okay , yes I admit it. I have.
- Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My mama’s homemade sticky buns. This year I am going to try to make them for H’s family.
- Lights on the tree? White lights and cranberries and popcorn strings. When H and I put up our first tree we stayed up all night stringing cranberries and popcorn while listening old Christmas music and drinking spiked eggnog. I hope to do that this year too minus the spiked.
- Favorite Christmas song? Handel’s Messiah, but as for one song I have been known to love to sing along with “Santa, baby”.
- Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel, Travel, Travel. We always are flying on Christmas day which is not ideal but we make it work so we can see both of our families, both of which are divorced so we have 4 Christmases. It is better then how it sounds but when we get home we are so happy.
- Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Nope.
- Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel – made my my mama.
- Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both – 4 Christmases.
- Most annoying thing about this time of the year? All of the money to be spent. We are trying to cut back this year.
- Favorite ornament theme or color? Any of the ones that are homemade
- Favorite meal for Christmas dinner? Turkey, cranberry, and the pudding with rum sauce my grandmother sends from England every year.
- What do you want for Christmas this year? Honestly, it sounds cheesy but nothing. I think we are going to buy a new couch after the holidays and of course a crib. I am ridiculously excited for both.
I am tagging Wishinghopingpraying because she seams to have a lot of Christmas spirit.
Life has been busy over here in the babypants household. Everything is feeling like it is in the final crunch before the holidays hit. We are all doing really well however. H’s finger is getting more and more mobility, and I still don’t love work and I am insanely busy but on the upside I am less sick by the day which is good because I am tired of throwing up on the sidewalk, in the grocery store and in my office (somehow it is okay to throw up at home).
I am sorry it has been so long. I don’t know exactly why – I think it boils down to the fact that I am not comfortable blogging about being pregnant yet. Sure I can talk about mucus and shots and vaginal wandings. I am just feeling less comfortable about blogging about the happiness and fear I am feeling right now. And the big thing is that I am ready for some more of my Internet friends – yes that is you – to be pregnant. I am determined to push through my pregnant writing block and my first real effort is below.
We had an appointment with our midwife. That is right she is our midwife now. You might remember that we met with a different one and just did not like her as much so then I had a phone conversation with this one. My gut feeling was right. She is a much better fit for us. The downside of her is that we waited forever (okay only 3 hours) to meet with her this week. She was good in a way because her assistant came out and told us to go get something to eat – but still 3 hours is a long time. It was however worth the wait – we went through an extensive medical history and she let us ask tons of questions. She was certainly not rushing us which was really nice. She asked us if we wanted to do any of the genetic testing. (Which we had debated and ultimately decided not to do; however a week ago I said to H “so are you thinking that you want to the Nuchal scan? Knowing full well that she did not – but I have had an itching feeling to see this baby so H. said why don’t we get the Nuchal not so much for the results but so you can see the baby.” ) I explained this all to her and she said that she would see if her back up OB could fit us in for a ultrasound that afternoon. I really liked her flexible attitude and she is completely un-alarmist. A great example of this is that she wanted to hear Sprout’s heartbeat with the Doppler but before she started she said “it is possible that we might not hear the heartbeat okay, and it is not something to freak out about because we will get you an ultrasound today and that is very normal at 13 weeks.” I have to say listening to our baby’s heartbeat for the first time was really emotional – I think even more then seeing the baby on the ultrasound. I love LOVE that wooshing sound. I can’t wait to hear it again. We did get squeezed in to have an ultrasound, I am really happy that we did. We were able to meet her back up OB who is one of the OB’s on the Busines.s of Being Bor.n. He is great – he was cracking jokes and but also really listening to the questions that we asked. Sprout is in a word: beautiful. I was crying when we heard Sprout’s heartbeat but I was in awe when we had the ultrasound. Sprout is active. S/he was dancing in there and we were able to see its whole little body. What impressed me so much was its spine and ribcage; so little and perfect.
All in all it was a really great appointment. I think I was excited or relieved or hopefully I had my last bout of morning sickness (why do they call it that???) because as we left the midwife’s building I throw up while in the middle of crossing a street in midtown Manhattan. All of a sudden I just lost it. There was a group of teenagers that was on the other side of the street who were at first saying ewww… but then I think they thought I was alone (because H. had ran to get me a napkin) and two of the girls asked me if they could help me in anyway. It was really nice. I told them I was pregnant and both of them said simultaneously “that sucks” – it is my best morning sickness story yet. Certainly better then throwing up by myself in a different section of midtown that was so crowded it was hard to walk and having uppity women stare at me like I was a town drunk who was throwing up in to planters as apposed to the pregnant lady I am who was throwing up in planters.
In other pregnancy related news I can not button my regular pants and I am not loving the bell.a band. Everything I wear with it just falls off and I am always standing up in front of a large group of people when that happens. It is embarrassing. I have a new found love of maternity clothes and have been using the bell.a when necessary to hold up the too big maternity clothes. By the way, we all should be able to wear maternity jeans and I completely see why people do not want to go back to regular jeans. I am working up to doing belly shots. I promised Olive I would. I will, I am just working up to it. In the meantime here is Sprout: the 1st is the profile (which we have been lovingly calling Sprout’s duck bill) and the 2nd is Sprout’s back.
I have been teary all morning. I am overwelhemed, jittery and teary – often all at the same time. This is a big day, and that is a bit hard on this emotional pregnant woman. I cried/whined on the subway, first about the fact that hot, then about the fact that I feel fat, that none of my clothes fit and how will we purchase a new wardrobe for me, and then the truth came out as I was wiping tears off my face and H. had her hand on my shoulder. “I just want Barack Obama to win” and then the tears really came. I have never felt an election was more important. I have never like a candidate this much. And I know that I feel this way in an expanded form because of Sprout. I want Sprout to know the America I am proud of and I want Sprout to know Obama as the president. This are happy tears and they are full of hope.