Author Archives: L.babypants


Well, I am not pregnant.   I don’t know why I thought the second time would be easier.   I really did.   I am pretty sure we both thought it would be easier.   Last night H and I had a hard discussion; one with tears and hurt feelings.   At the end of it all it was clear that this go around has been hard, and most likely will continue to be hard. We feel disconnected from each other and disconnected from the process. We are changing that in baby steps. The most stressful part is that J only is getting bigger and thus there is going to be a larger gap inbetween our children then we have wanted. The other stresser is sperm. Our precious commodity is limited (6 vials of IUI and 4 of IVF) (We also had always thought that we wanted to have three kids; but now after having one, two is seeming a much better fit for our family…. strange how much changes after a baby.) One of the biggest differences between this time and the last is J. Obviously. He is so present, happy, amazing and demanding of our time. Yesterday, after our resounding negative test, he was up, bouncing on the bed, excited for Halloween and oatmeal, and asking about watching signing time. There is no time to dwell or talk things out. It has become clear we need to make a bit more space for that and not just collapse into bed after putting him to bed and then watching t.v. I am making an appointment today with the other fertility clinic in our area. We will do one more cycle and then change. I like change – it feels like maybe that will be the trick.

Dusting off the old blog

Hey everyone.  I am not sure if anyone is out there anymore.  Maybe we are still on your Reader so you will see this.  Maybe you will click over wondering if we are really posting or if this site has been taken over by a seller of pants for babies.  Worry not, it is really us- technically me, hbabypants, writing this post.  I feel a little like when you run into someone you haven’t seen since high school and there is the awkward, “what have you been up to for the last 15 years?” conversation.

Quickest update:  L and I now live in VT, which is awesome.  J pants turned 2 in June and he is taking being 2 very seriously.  He is funny and smart and so willful.  I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way, but on some mornings when we are trying to get out of the house, man I wish he would be a bit more cooperative.  L and I both have good jobs with the State.  My work was completely devastated by Hurricane Irene, so I have been working from home waiting for my temporary work site to be ready.  Working from home may be one reason I thought restarting the blog was a good idea.  L stopped home for a couple of minutes this morning and I practically begged her to stay longer.  Hmm, I guess I need human contact.  What else?  We still have 3 cats, but have added three fish and six hens to our menagerie.  We landed in an amazing little house in a great neighborhood.  We have become great friends with our neighbors and overall love living in a small town.  People are so friendly here.  The other day we talked with our mailman for a long time about how he is about to get miniature donkeys for his kids.  Interesting.  People stop for pedestrians and let each other into traffic.  People say hi, make eye contact, and if you are in line for anything you will end up talking to the people around you.  Living here, the place where L grew up, I can now see how she developed some of the qualities that I love the best about her.

We have jumped on the TTC train once again.  There have been lots of feelings about this, but also a strange calmness.  Maybe not calmness, exactly, but we have both been so distracted with so many other things that all of a sudden, it was time to start trying again.  Now we are in our first TWW.  We will test next weekend.  It was a very interesting and different experience from the first time- I am sure there is material for many posts.

I am not sure where this will go or how often we will post.  L and I have both been inspired by the blog carnival and have talked about them a lot.  I guess I just wanted to reserve a place in case I/we wanted to participate.  Also, judging by how much I love reading posts by First Time Second Time and Olive at Insert Metaphor I realize that there is not a lot written by, for, or about non-bio moms and I think I could add to that conversation.  And I assume L has stuff she might like to say too.  So there it is.  The first tentative steps back into our blog.

why hello there…

Wow we have been gone so long.   I am sorry, it is not you guys it is us.    We have been busy and trying to figure out what end is up.   We moved out to Denver which was great in many ways but it was ultimately not where we wanted to end up and so we were faced with the decision to put down roots there knowing that we would up-end our family at some point in the near future or up-end the family now.   We decided to live in the moment.    It was a very hard decision.    It meant leaving cousins and other family, and dear friends.    If you have met Olive and Fern, you know how hard that decision is.    But we have done it.   And we are happy in our little town in Vermont.   Yes. Vermont.    I bet many of you, if you have been following this blog, saw that coming.   We have a lovely little house (and by that I mean huge – it is four bedrooms) and for the first time since either of us have left for college we do not have an apartment number in our address.    Our garden is amazing and I find myself checking in on it in the morning and a night.   H.pants has a job and that has been a huge transition.    We both have not worked in a year.    An amazing thing really since neither of us have a trust fund…. oh trust fund please show up… I have been looking for you.    So yes, by living with family and spending every last dime of our savings we have not worked.    It was awesome and we are having a hard time letting go of retirement.   I will be going back to work soon but I have to do an internship here for 3 days a week before I can be admitted (oh yes, and I must take the bar again this July).    So there are so many changes.     J.pants will go to  daycare two days a week and his nana will care for him the other day.   We are nervous about that, but he is going to do really well.   He loves being around other kids.     Taking a nap without nursing? I don’t know.   Sleep? that is a whole separate post.

I have so much catching up to do.   I have been reading, but not consistently, and i hope to be diving back into that in the next couple of days.



Oh, and a few of photos of Mr. Pants

a Halloween pumpkin

It is not you, it is us

We have been so bad at blogging, of course that has been the lead of our last few posts and the last one was in September.   How the heck did that happen!!!    I am not going to promise or even think that I will get back to blogging.   I have thought about blogging so much, I still read everyone’s news every day (when I can) and I have been wanting to get back into it, but blogging is like any other friendship and it is hard to get back in touch when it has been so long.      I miss you guys.

It is a new year and I can’t help but to wish 2010 wishes to everyone.    I hope 2010 brings great happiness to our friends out there, pregnancies, healthy babies, happy relationships and joy.    Personally, I hope 2010 brings comfort and contentment with our decision to move away from Vermont (yes we are still here, but leaving in the middle of the month), some excercise (I would so like to lose some weight), and it is time to make some money since our savings are almost out so a job.     2009, I loved you and I will look back on you with so much fondness.   I hope that 2010 is that kind of year for the majority of you out there.

Dreams, Moving and Beginnings

Mommytoo asked when is the big move?

As many of you know, or may not know, the plan is that we are in vermont for a short time.    We had thought that we would leave Brooklyn in the early summer after Jpants was born which we did.   Then the plan was that we would go to our final destination (Denver) in late October.   Well,things have shifted.   We are now thinking we will make the trip after thanksgiving.   And this week we have been kicking around the idea of staying here until after christmas.  The truth of the matter is that I am having a hard time thinking about leaving.   I am often, read almost anytime we talk about it, teary.    H. is sad too.    We decided to live in Denver when we were living in NYC.   I don’t think either of us felt ready to live in a rural place.   It seems very doable now.   And we like it alot.    Of course, Vermont is easy to love in summer and fall.  Maybe we would feel differently if it was winter.     I would be surprised if we were not living in Vermont before Jpants is in school.   But then again, Denver is so so good because of H’s family and Jpants’ cousians.     It is such a complicated decision.

Olive asked what was the first year of H’s and my relationship like?

H and I had known each other for quite a while and had always been attracted to each other.   There were a couple of things keeping us apart mainly H being in a relationship and us being on the opposite sides of the country.   H broke up with her long time girlfriend and moved to  my side of the country in a time when we were not talking.  (We were not talking because at times it was very difficult to be in this strange limbo relationship that was really a very charged friendship.)  H contacted me out of the blue about a month before she moved to NYC and  I learned of all the changes in her life and everything was suddenly different.   We were talking on the phone almost every night and our relationship was an eventuality.     Anyway, I think the second weekend that she was in NYC she rode the chinatown bus up to Boston and we were together from then on.   We would spend our weeks in our separate cities but the chinatown bus that was only 15 dollars each way was a godsend.   In the spring I moved to NYC for an internship and we lived in different neighborhoods.   We would go to one home to another and in August we decided to move in together.   Our first year was a magical time.   It was a  time of deep connection and great fun.   We would explore the cities, cook amazing food and talk for hours at a time.


Well, I have been a horrible blogger.   horrible.

There have been some major milestones over here to report however.

H and I got married.   It was a big deal and also surprisingly nothing.   We had a civil union and we were legally married on our 3rd anniversary.   We exchanged our original vows but added one about honoring our family ((how the heck did we not have a vow about creating a family??)).    It is good to be married.   I have been enjoying calling H my wife – I just never really referred to her in that way before.   And she is not particularly wifey… it makes me smile.

Jpants is three months old.   It is amazing how did our baby get so big.   He is really big.  Not in a chubby baby way but as in he is a giant.   He is so tall.   The 3 month old sweatshirts and shirts look like belly shirts.   Not that I really mind he has a beautiful belly button.     He now can only wear medium gdiapers, which we are loving using.    I find them really easy and we are composting the inserts so I feel good about our earth impact.    I also really like that they are not all cloth because it means that we are doing less laundry.   We have lots of bumgenius but I have found they are really not my favorite.   I think because I already feel like my whole life is laundry.

With J being three months old, it is also been the anniversary of our BFP.  Oh the joy and worry and happiness anxiety about the beta.   I loved that time in our life but I am happy, oh so happy, to be here.      I think it is high time for a new round of BFPs.    High time, ladies.

Our boy is obsessed with music.   It is amazing.   He loves singing, dancing and his mobiles.   I, for some reason, did not pay any attention to mobiles in baby prep.   I did not realize how important they would be.   He just looks up at them and smiles and laughs.   My mom purchased a mobile for him off of ebay sells for 150 dollars for a fraction of that.   He loves it.   The music is good too.   I do not feel like a crazy lady listening to it.    His favorite song that we sing to him is BINGO, it is not at all my favorite song, but every time we start to sing it he smiles so wide, even if he is in a mini meltdown.   That makes it a pretty great song in my opinion.

My sister and her partner are coming up for the weekend.   I am not really excited about this boy.   How do you guys deal with it when you don’t like who your sibling is dating??   I am pretty close with her, and I have trouble biting my tongue.    I don’t really want to.   And I feel myself being actively cold to him.   Not nice at all, and I am generally a nice person.    I don’t want this to interfere with my relationship with my sister.

I do want to blog more.   I think of posts all the time.   I think I need help, I really like what my friend olive is doing with answering questions.  Maybe writing more will get me back into the habit of blogging.   Do you guys have questions for us?