We are off for a week of fun with H’s mom and our niece. I love being around our nieces and nephew because it reminds me of what wonderful parents H and I will be. Today is CD2. I was supposed to get blood work done this morning to check my FSH and we were running aroundlike crazy this morning and I completely forgot. Now of course all the labs are closed and I am beating myself up. I mean everytime I go to the bathroom I am bleeding – one would think this would trigger something in my brain. Sometimes this whole thing is just so many details and life gets in the way. I am hoping it is okay, and I suspect it will be since we are not doing an insemination this cycle, and it will be a short cycle since starting on Wednesday I will start provera and it will soon be CD2 again. It will be CD2 again before we do an insemination or any medication. I hope Dr. B feels the same way.
So we are going away. To Vermont to see my mom (I love it that our moms love each other) and then we are playing tourist in our own city with beach and zoo trips. I suspect I will be following up with people through Reader, but not able to comment much, and I will come back midweek with anHSG report and reports about our adorable and so smart niece.
has failed. It is okay but only that. We got the call at 8 pm when I was almost at my wits end with the waiting. There is a plan for next cycle – which of course requires more waiting. I will bleed soon I hope and then I have an HSG done next Wednesday. Then I will start provera so I will get my period quicker and we will be trained on doing injectables. This all seems like a ton of waiting but I also think it is good to make sure the tubes are in working order.
H’s mother, our niece, and friend of the family are coming on Friday for a week. I was hoping to share good news instead it looks like we will all know more about my tubes then we ever thought we would need to know.
In the meantime we are practicing bending over here.
I am still doing it. We did test on Sunday morning. Negative. We weighed testing or not testing and decided that if it was negative we would just be more prepared for a blood test result today. We have to wait for one test or the other because I am on the progesterone, so I can’t just wait to bleed. Although I really feel like I am ready to start my period like a gangbuster. So, I am still awaiting the blood results. It is now 6pm my time, the office has closed, and the doctor should call me tonight. I have slight hope but I am ready for it to be negative. Or as ready as I ever will be.
On my walk to work this morning I listened to the Ani.Difranco song Buildings and Bridges. Since I am lesbian (although it has been verified there are lesbians out there who dislike and even hate Ani) I have loved Ani for a long time but she is no longer my go-to artist. Today listening to my ipod on shuffle this song came up and it has been in my head all day.
Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that’s what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn’t bend breaks
what doesn’t bend breaks
we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke
I intend to bend with what ever news comes today otherwise I just might break. I will write back with an update.
I have been super busy at work and I have been writing this post in my head for a couple of days. I feel it might be scattered. (Working night court will do that to a girl.)
We had a wonderful weekend. We were at home and spent the majority of the day on a local beach. It was so good for my soul. We just sat, laughed, listened to the waves and then bobbed around in the ocean. It was completely restoritive. We then came home, a bit burned around the edges and went off to have a “coffee date” with D and K of Puffer and the Baby Fish. It was so nice to meet them in real life even though I got a bit nervous right before we saw them. I’m a shy person deep inside. Meeting them has made me be so grateful for all of you internet friends and I wish I could have a long talk over a cup of green tea with all of you.
The beginning of the week has been crazy at work as aforementioned and H and I have been really focused on getting new iphones. (Why, yes this is a silly expense when we don’t know how much sperm we will need to purchase in the next couple of months, but we said “fu*k it” and purchased them last night. Now I surf Google reader while waiting for ever in court. I think this phone will make my life easier if not cooler. It is sort of silly to have such a fancy pants phone. ) Anyway, this week has flown by and I have have barely noticed that it is now day 11 and I am sorry I have not been commenting at all this week. I have hopes to improve this afternoon. I have been doing pretty good with the wait. I am on progesterone which honestly put a dent in my hope for this cycle. I think to myself if I was pregnant then I would not need progesterone. My RE’s nurse said that me needing the suppositories means nothing and I have been trying to follow my acupuncturist’s advice to relax and let stress roll off of me. I have been doing pretty good at this mission. I am sure I would be doing better if I could be swiming in the waves instead of working.
So we are at a decision point on two issues and I would love your input:
A: Do we test or not test? We tested via POAS on our first cycle, not on our second, what should we do for #3?
B: Should we stay with our current RE? Important things of note are that we like her, she is closing her practice which is conveniently located and moving to a different practice that is not so convenient (1 hour subway ride), and her new practice will not store sperm for over one cycle so that means we will be spending a considerable amount on shipping. We are considering moving to a bigger practice that would be associated with a hospital and that could also do IVF. It would still be a long commute to a new practice, but perhaps they would store sperm for a fee.
We are back from Vermont and it was truly wonderful. I love being home. We went to the tractor paradeand if that will not make you fertile I don’t know what will. It was really nice to be back in my small hometown, listening to a local bluegrass band and admiring the old and new tractors. We also celebrated my mother’s birthday with a beautiful and delicious garden party that stretched out into the night with laughter and wine. We came back on Sunday night battling the traffic coming back into the city and I was dreaming of Vermont on 95 south.
All of that time in Vermont or the up dose of clomid had some crazy effect on my body. Before we left on Thursday we went to the RE and I had a 19mm follicle. Technically we could have done a trigger and some inseminations. But I really did not want that, because I could not have missed my mom’s 65th. So I did not do a trigger and just went up to Vermont with a ton of OPKs. I did not surge over the weekend and when we went back to the RE on Monday (which was day 14) that follicle was 30mm. I have NEVER had a follicle that large. Dr. B said either we had missed ovulation or I was surging right then and we should do an insemination. We decided to do an insemination and also to have a blood test done. All in all it took forever and we finally left the RE’s office at 11:30. H. and I then took the day off of work, which was so nice and unexpected. We worked on another baby quilt for our friend E who is expecting a girl later this summer. But of course as soon as I got home I was googling about follicle size and why the hell mine was 30mm. I did not find anything useful, and managed to quite scare myself because I guess at that point it is either a mega egg or cyst. I am so scared that some weird cyst is going to come back or that a cycle will be called off because I have to get surgery again I was a bit shut down and just wanted to hear the results of the blood test. H. was convinced it was ovulation and not a cyst, she had to remind me of my mucus, my open cervix and my sex drive on Sunday night. She was right and the blood test confirmed it, I was surging on Monday morning. Hopefully all of this will lead to good things. I have not, since before my surgery, actually ovulated on my own but rather have been relying on trigger shots to ovulate. And I have never had an egg this big before. I am trying to think of this big egg as having more surface area for the sperm to attack it. After my second insemination today I, of course not learning my lesson yesterday, googled follicle size and pregnancy rates. There is a ton of information out there on this topic if you are interested in the follicle size of a beef cow. Not being a beef cow I found nothing. Do any of you have any human specific knowledge about follicle size – is 30mm too big or did my body just create a super-egg? I am going just think to myself a bigger egg gives more surface area while drinking green tea, eating pineapple and googling what day I am supposed to eat that sandwich was MickieHorribleD’s. It is now the two week wait.
We have busy over here. So busy I just looked down on the calender and it is day 8. Sperm is flying across the country today. Thursday we go to the RE’s office to check on my egg status before we leave for the long weekend to Vermont (to celebrate my mom’s 65th Birthday and to see my hometown’s annual tractor parade). Sadly, my RE is moving to a new office this month, so when I purchased the sperm I could only send one months worth which was not perfect because then we have to pay for shipping twice should we need more. I hope that we need not make another sperm purchase for a while.
The woman at the bank was funny. She asked what donor and I told her but I suddenly got unsure, even though H. and I call our donor by his number to each other all the time, she must of heard the hesitation in my voice and she said really fast most of the characteristics they give about our donor. She obviously wanted to make sure I was right too. H. and I did talk briefly about if we should change donors for this cycle. We did not – I have sort of gotten really attached to our current donor. He has brown curly hair and hazel eyes like me and has the same ancestry as H. We picked him so he could be the donor for both of us. And the most important characteristic for me is that he knocked up some other women. I hope to add my self to that number.
The increase in Clomid has not been kicking my butt too hard. I have been actually really calm until this afternoon when I just got so worried about money and planning. I love a plan and sadly with this process no plan can be formed. H. and I would love to go on vacation, back to the tropical place we went on our honeymoon ideally, but I get so worried about money and buying more sperm that when she was talking to me about going on a trip in the fall this afternoon I got almost panicky. I would love to go, but what if buying tickets means we can’t buy eight hundred fifty dollars worth of sperm next month or the month after that, or the 178 months after that. Okay, I will get pregnant; I know it, and I don’t think it will take 178 months to do it. But this afternoon I was drowning in the possibility that it will take a really long time. The money aspect of this process stresses me out. I say this very aware of how lucky we are. My health insurance covers everything except the sperm. This benefit is the main reason I have stayed in what I thought was my dream job even though I now know it is not what I want to do with my life. When I read about other people’s fights with insurance and/or complete lack of coverage it makes me so mad. As a result I often feel I should not complain about the financial strain this process is putting on us and our non-baby goals. However, today that stress got to me and here I am complaining about the money.
I have re-read this rambly and sort of bitter/pathetic post, and I have now given myself a firm talking to. I could get pregnant this cycle. I have been going to acupuncture for 2 months, it has been 7 months since my surgery and more clomid then ever before is racing through my body. This could be “the month”. I am a pretty good listener especially if I hear the message several times so I am going to repeat this to myself as much as possible. And I am going to go to Vermont, soak in the green leaves and grass, celebrate my mama, come back with some pictures of the tractor parade, and come back next week and get knocked up. Okay that is what I hope is going to happen in the next week. I will be back with an egg update when I have one.