That is what I said on Thursday, after still not showing any signs of ovulation.   Now obviously clomid is not exactly “good stuff” but I am hoping I start ovulating normally and consistently.   I wanted to be patient and just wait to cycle and then have a “natural” attempt.  But it is not as if I would wait then just get pregnant for sure in April – and I just want to get started.  So now I am taking provera and hopefully I will get my period this week.  (Does anyone out there know how long it takes for your period to show after you start provera?) And then it will be clomid on starting on day 5.   I am nervous.

H was more wanting to wait for a natural cycle, mainly because she is convinced we will have twins, and I was pushing for starting the drugs – I won… smile. BUT now I am nervous – I don’t want to become crazy, and I know that I will start a trial (I am defense attorney) just as I feel most vulnerable because that is the way work happens.   Like all other things in the process I am just trying to be open to what comes.

Why am I  feeling this mix of excitement and a whole big bunch of nerves?

We went in this morning – and well I still have no dominate follicles.   Our RE was nice, and she talked to us about clomid and doing a provera cycle.   She seemed to really understand that we wanted to get stuff started – and she was really aware that we were so sad when our first attempt ended in surgery.  We are going back in on Monday which will be day 22 to see if there is a egg in there that wants to be released.  The RE said that it did not look like I was going to ovulate over the weekend.

H. talked me down from sadness this morning on our walk back to the subway.  I think that in November my cycle was actually 35 days so I am hopeful that an egg will show up.   Also I would love to do one cycle without clomid.    So maybe this is a good thing and not weird.   I just always jump to my body is weird or abnormal now after that stupid, scary surgery.   (I think that I have some scars from that which are not visible.)    

So L and I decided to start this new blog, as she mentioned because there have been things we want to write about that we haven’t necessarily wanted our dear families to read. I guess those are the posts that tend more toward journal entries…good for those going through similar thoughts/feelings/experiences, but maybe not for the fam who just wants us to hurry up and have kids. (My mom has recently told me that she thinks 4 is the right number of children for us. When I mentioned the cost (not even getting into the other issues) she said that she plans to have enough money to fund as many baby conceptions as we will agree to. It is sweet, even if it makes her sound like a baby farmer.  Also, whether she will have the resources to fund the baby farm is a whole other taco.)

Anyway, I am looking forward to this. I think it will be a good place for L and I to write about this process. To have a space to talk about what we are going through together, and how we are experiencing things differently-she as the bio-mom and me as the “other mother.” My first thought on that is there has to be a better name/phrase for my role. I will think about that and post more about it.

So, I just wanted to say a quick hi and that I am glad we are here. I look forward to going through this with all of you out there who are on/have been on this road. Now I have to go feed our hungry cats before they turn on me.

We have another blog, but we have shared that with all our friends and family. I am hoping this blog will give us some space and support to deal with all these TTC feelings and of course that we don’t have to deal with the feelings long and then are on to a whole set of pregnancy feelings