This week has been so strange. It has not been what I imagined this week would be like. I really thought we would find out we were pregnant and we would be so, so happy. Instead, I have been feeling a bit paralyzed. Or terrified depending on when you catch me. I have been happy too, those moments are have just been a bit far in between the times of intense worry. I have had to cut myself off from the computer entirely. (I am sorry for my lack of commenting.) I have been pretty successful, but anytime I am on the computer I find myself researching about HCG numbers. It is mixed bag out there and I read one story on a blog or chat room about how one woman’s low numbers ended in a miscarriage and I have a hard time stepping away from the edge of the bridge. Then I feel ungrateful, I am pregnant, this is what so many people want, what I wanted, and I have it. How can I be so scared. Then I tell myself: no you have to prepare for the reality of losing this baby. Then I tell myself: no you have to be ready to not lose this baby and if you keep thinking negatively you are certainly going to lose it. H. is wonderful. She is holding my hope, she is dealing with my zombie type behavior, she is reminding me hourly that the most important thing is that the numbers are doubling. Which they are. I am so lucky. I now have a better idea of what you have experienced miscarriages have gone through – I can somehow cry about those lost babies. I have not cried all week about my numbers until this morning – inexplicably on the subway train. I let myself go too far to the dark place.
I think it is a great sign that my numbers are doubling, that I have symptoms, and that my RE does not want to see me until Monday. I am ready. I am ready to be away from this worry. I am ready to be excited for this baby. I love this baby. I want this baby. I am ready to blog. I am ready to comment. I am ready. I just have to convience my brain I am ready too.
11 responses so far ↓
strawberry // September 19, 2008 at 3:36 pm |
Having just been there myself (and still being there sometimes), I totally know what you mean. You want to just be happy but it all seems so…fragile. Focus on those doubling numbers…look forward to your appt and hang in there. The days will pass, then the weeks. Deep breaths.
Olive // September 19, 2008 at 3:42 pm |
I’m sorry you can’t just have the happy week you deserve. I’m thinking about you all the time and hoping for you. The doubling numbers are no doubt good. I know it’s hard to just focus on the good when you have so much doubt but try to do something fun this weekend – have H take you to your favorite restaurant or see a fun movie.
Lots of love, my friend.
mulberry // September 19, 2008 at 4:45 pm |
i want to cry right there with you… i know you have the crying part down, but my tears seem to want to join yours… i do have hope, much hope for you… and a bit for me too
and i am so emotional these days – really it is a toss up who will cry first dakota or me on any given night. i think the numbers don’t mean crap (except that they are going in the right direction) and i love that H is holding your hope, i read that as rope the first read through, so now i picture her there with a big rope of hope… anyway, thinking of you and H… and, well yes, crying a little too…….
giggleblue // September 19, 2008 at 4:48 pm |
i think everyone feels this way in the beginning. i’m not saying that to trivialize what it is that you are feeling but rather to reassure you that we understand what you are going through. i hope that monday brings more reassurance. for now, take it slow.
jessie // September 19, 2008 at 4:48 pm |
I totally know where you are – I feel the same way. The first week was really fucking hard for me.
Gia // September 19, 2008 at 4:56 pm |
ohhhh Boy do i know where you are coming from.
But, you want this so buck up sister! YOU ARE PREGNANT! now look forward to seeing the bean
Lo // September 19, 2008 at 6:20 pm |
Yeah, we were excited to be pregnant, of course, but also thrown into turmoil. Hang in there….
K // September 20, 2008 at 12:33 pm |
Sorry to come in so late to this party, but congratulations on the BFP!
I made myself sick with worry over my beta numbers. I remember how scary and fragile it all felt and I’m sorry you’re there now. I’m sending lots of wishes for strong, continued doubling and a reassuring RE visit on Monday.
yup, another sara // September 20, 2008 at 3:30 pm |
I think early pregnancy is so hard (especially for those of us who know too much about all of this). None of us can prepare ourselves for loss, anyway, so hold on to this– you are pregnant. I’ll be over here chanting it for you–
oneofhismoms // September 22, 2008 at 11:08 am |
Doubling is good. Very good. If it makes you feel better, even people with higher numbers are paralyzed by the miscarriage fear. It is senseless and has nothing to do with anything anyone does. It can happen to anyone regardless of the numbers. But doubling is good. And today is Monday. I hope you hear a strong heartbeat. Much love!
Travelher // September 22, 2008 at 1:11 pm |
It’s Monday, I’m back and thinking of you…hope you have some awesome numbers today. xoxo