Goodbye Donor 2**9, we hardly knew you…

First of all, if you haven’t heard yet, the ladies over at Puffer and the Baby Fish have a lot to celebrate!  They just got legally married in CA and got a BFP!!!  Congratulations to both of them.  L and I could not be happier for them!

 

This morning we had a bright and early appt with the RE.  Last week we were told to increase L’s gon.l-f  dosage and I was afraid that we were going to have too many follicles (the RE said 3 would be the absolute limit before we cancelled this cycle).  As it turns out, L has one dominant follicle (11.5), which is great!  The RE told us to have the sperm delivered by Wednesday cuz we are doing an insem this week.  L and I were both relieved and excited.

 

 So this afternoon L called the bank to order and found out that our guy only has three (3!) vials left!!!  We talked briefly a few weeks ago about whether we should switch it up, but after looking through the catalogue decided there was no one we liked as much, so decided to stick with him.  L called me in a panic about what to do.  We could order 2 vials and if L didn’t get pregnant we could switch next cycle when we had a little more time to pick someone.  BUT, if we did that and she got pregnant there would be almost zero possibility that we could use the same donor for subsequent children, which we want to do.  Argh! 

 

In what was left of L’s lunch hour before she had to rush back to court, we both looked through the catalogue again.  There were not too many people to choose from because of our requirements.  We narrowed our possibilities to two donors.  The one we liked more also had limited supply so I felt like maybe we shouldn’t go down that road again.  But the other guy had some major issues, most importantly that he has straight hair.  (A not-so-secret about L is that she is a curly girl and is wicked proud of it.)  When deciding on the most important features in donors, long ago, they were my ethnicity and L’s curls.  So, the thought of using the donor with straight hair was very upsetting.  I know L would love a straight haired baby (she even said so in this conversation) it just made me sad to lose the trait that was most important to her.  Well, L called the bank again was told that they have 18 vials of the wavy-haired gent, so we went for it.  If she gets pregnant this time we will beg, borrow and steal to buy as many of the remaining vials as possible.  If she doesn’t we will have some more time to think over a different donor.

 

Phew, I feel exhausted from the early morning appointment and then the mad-donor-dash.  To make a painfully obvious statement, this process is so f*ing hard.  One never knows what kind of drama each day may bring.  It is amazing that you can go from pure excitement and hope over a dominant follicle to panic and uncertainty about not having a donor, all in a matter of hours.  It reminds me of that tag line from the wide world of sports show that my brothers watched when I was little, “The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.”    

 

 

Here’s to a lot of thrill from here on… 

 

 

 

 

This was inevitable

Yesterday H.’s step brother’s wife gave birth to a baby girl. This baby girl was conceived by accident, the month that H and I were going to start trying (oh Nov 07′ how you caused us heartbrake and a cancer scare). It was a big deal in H’s family and the step brother and now wife quickly got married. It is obvious that that baby was going to be born, and we are both happy she was born healthy. It just stings quite a bit. We were licking our wounds, sitting on the roof drinking seltzer last night and H and I were saying everything that has been said before. It stings that people who are complete fuck ups just get accidentally pregnant, or in the case of H’s step brother not a complete fuck up but not as put together as H and I. The new baby’s name means pure in another language, the irony of that is not escaping us. Mean while I can feel myself get a bit more flippant about this process, I just made half – caf coffee for H and I share for example.

My mama, I think when I was in middle school, started saying this phrase when one of us would come home grumpy or bratty. She would say “go get in water” meaning go take a shower or bath. I have to say that was a good lesson my mama taught me. There is very little a good hot shower can’t solve. I don’t think I am going to take a shower this morning but I am certainly going to be bouncing around in waves in about 3 hours and I am sure that is going to make the concept of us getting pregnant seem a bit more possible.

p.s. has anyone out there who has taken gonal-F had really strange dreams and the inability to sleep past 5am. This must be related to the medication. This mornings dream I was in the olymipics, swimming, with my current not particularly talented swimming ability. It was a disaster.

The hope is back in the building

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments yesterday.   I am feeling better about the whole thing today.   I don’t know what exactly changed, but I am sure had something to do with your comments, H reminding me that our doctor is cautious and started me off at low dose for a good reason, and doing some dr. google research.    Also I am just looking forward to the weekend.   This is the 1st weekend in about 8 that we are not going away or hosting people and that is dreamy.  I was supposed to work on Saturday night which just sort of ruins the whole weekend because the whole day I am sort of dreading going to work and then the day after I am tired.  (I am a defense lawyer in NYC so that means that I am in night court from 5pm to 1am arraigning people who are charged with crimes.) Luckily I found a switch which means the whole weekend is free.  I think we are going to the beach one day and going tubing down a river another.    I love the water and the sun so this weekend is my definition of perfect.  And I hope all of that relaxation is really good for my eggs.

No eggs on deck

Well, the injections are going fine.   I am barely minding them, although there is a slight sting as the needle goes in and out.     But we went in for an ultrasound and blood work this morning and not a single follicle looked like it wanted to be dominate.   There were a ton of eggs, in fact H. says she has never seen my ovaries look so full.   We had a new RE today (because now my RE is in a practice with 3 other people) and she said that she did not expect my Estrodial level to go up between last Friday and today, however it did 30 points.    I am still not an Estrodial level of 100 which is when I think they will be starting to think that I am close to ovulating.     The new RE, lets call her DR. M, said that it is difficult with women with PCOS to get the dosing right.     I am frustrated and a bit sad.   The truth of the matter is that I wanted this to work perfectly, and quickly.   Well that is not going to happen and tonight we are increasing my dose just a little bit and that will hopefully take one of those eggs, that H. said looked like a beaded bracelet, and make a dominate follicle.   I will go in on Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully we will be talking about the scheduling for shipping sperm.   I hope.

There are so many levels of waiting in this lesbian, baby-making challenged process.    I am as I am sure you can see from my previous posts not really a patient person but today I do not feel impatient but more like my heart is heavy and unsure.

We were awarded

A while ago now we were awarded by Mulberry and I have to say we were incredibly touched.   Now of course since we got the nomination we have done nothing with it.   And it has circled around the block multiple times.    So I think in honor of the award, and quite frankly because the blog needed a little work, I am going to update our blogroll instead of naming seven blogs.   Also, how could I chose?

If you are listed on the side, I anxiously search google reader for updates when it is time blood test or POAS,   I laugh with you, and sometimes I want to reach through these internets we have to hold your hand or give you a cup of tea.  I, sometimes, regretfully do not get a chance to comment but  I am incredibly happy H and I started a blog and found all of you.   I have to say that it has dramatically changed our experience of trying to get pregnant.    I am grateful to everyone of you.     H is also grateful, she follows along in reader too, just not as diligently as I do, because she saves that diligence for her job (silly her).  And although she is not a big commenter we often talk about all of you as we are sitting down for dinner or as we are walking out the house together in the morning.  We are both grateful, and humbled to be part of this community.    Thank you and consider yourselves all awarded.

Also if you have not done so already get your butt over to 1 in vermillionto congratulate them on their BFP!

Ramblings

Today is day 8 and we are back from “the Valley” in Massachusetts where we were for a wedding.    It was so, so nice – that area is like a second home to me.    The wedding was actually on my college campus and it was beautiful.    We are thinking when we get legally married in Massachusetts we will try to have it also on campus.    We were talking about this 2nd wedding in the car on the way home – what exactly is the etiquette on a second wedding? Especially when it is only 2 years after the 1st?   We are thinking a very small group – maybe just us and then little celebrations here and there.   We already feel very celebrated but a legal “marriage” is also worth noting. 

Everything is going well with the injections.  I don’t think they hurt, and I am happy H. is doing them because then I do not have to watch the needle go into my skin.    I just grip her leg or arm and look away, and it is normally done before I know it.    My ovaries are bumpin’ in there – okay maybe not, but I am feeling them, I think more then I did on Clomid.    We go back to the RE on Wednesday for a follicle check and blood levels.   I am really hoping what I am feeling is not over stimulation.   I just keep hoping for one, beautiful follicle.    

We also have an appointment on Monday with a Big Clinic.   By my estimation we will be in the two week wait but I wanted to have all my ducks in a row for the next cycle if we don’t get pregnant.   I am so grateful for my insurance but my current RE has moved locations and will soon not be accepting insurance at all, so on we go.    Also, there is talk at work about my insurance being changed, which has me (a planner)  a bit freaked out.    We will certainly be talking the Mr. RE at Big Clinic about moving to IVF sooner then I had mapped out in my head which was doing at least 6 cycles of IUI before moving on.   We are currently at 4 (or 5 if you count the cycle I was on clomid but did not ovulate, or 6 if you count the cycle I was unmedicated, or 7 if you count the cycle I ovulated but then was told I would have to have surgery instead of an insemination).   AGGH it is a lot to think about, going to IVF, but honestly I am terrified my insurance will change and IVF will no longer be an option.    I am really battling my type A/lawyerish personality who was raised believing if you work hard you will get what you want and that one should always have a plan.   Perhaps we will not have to worry about any of this, we will only have one appointment at Big Clinic, and be moving on to due dates and such.   As I type I am having a hard time believing that could happen.

Hit me with your best shot

Sorry, I couldn’t resist the title.

I am happy to report that the first injection was a success.  We had a “teach” at the doctor’s office last week, but I was still nervous about the process so I watched an instructional video while at work yesterday.  Then L and I watched the video again when we got home.  We were all set, but then our friend came over (sort of unexpectedly) and would not leave.  By the time she left, L was asleep, which is not a position of strength when your partner is about to shoot you up for the first time.  We were both nervous, but I was trying to act calm and in control so that the patient would feel confident in her practitioner.  We did some bickering, mostly about whether I was doing all the steps right.  I think both of our nerves were getting the better of us, but neither of us could see that through the nerves.  Anyway, I gave her the shot, which she said did not really hurt, luckily.  I then put all of our gear away, and burst into tears.  I think it was a combination of the pressure of trying to do it right and having to do something that I knew would hurt L – even though it is for a good cause.  I want to love and care for her, not stick her with painful needles!   (What is f*cked up is that yesterday I was reading some older infertility discussion threads of women who were going on injectables and multiple women said that they thought their husbands were excited to give them the shots!!!  What kind of person is excited about that?  I just don’t know.)

Anyway, I think it will be easier now that we have the first one under our collective belts.  I have heard that the side effects are minimal compared to clomid, so I hope that part is easy.  Now my only fear is that we are going to have a million babies.  (Our doctor is being very careful about the dosage to avoid this, but still, I don’t want to have a reality show on TLC.)  L gets blood work done on Fri to find out how her body is responding to the meds.  Of course, we will let you know what we find out.

– HBabypants

All is quiet on the ovary front

Today we went to Dr. B’s office for a day 2 ultrasound and a blood work baseline.    She has moved to a different office which is now in a fancy pants neighborhood and if this cycle does not work then we are going to move to a different practice because her new practice does not accept insurance after the 15 of October.    It is a really nice office though.  

As I lay on the table I was struggling to not apologize for bleeding while the ultrasound was happening.   It is funny to me that in this process you lose so much basic privacy and then that I was feeling the need to apologize for it.   I am happy to report that I did not apologize at all, but externally seemed proud of my bleeding body.   So Dr. B pronounced that both ovaries were “quiet” – I had never heard her use this term.   I just love it.   I was laughing on the table and she explained that that meant there are no weird pulps or cysts.    I love my quiet ovaries today.

So quiet ovaries means that tonight, unless something surprising comes back from the blood work, we are going to start with the gonal-F.    Yikes.. .that is pretty crazy but I am happy to be doing it.     This seems like a pretty big gun, but Dr. B was concerned that clomid was not working for me because of my PCOS and gonal-F would be the next logical step.     I am happy that we made the decision to move on, and bit less happy about the increased possibility of twins.    I am impressed with how much monitoring will be done for this cycle and there was a discussion this morning of how we will call off this cycle if there are too many follicles.     We both will be very sad to leave Dr. B next month.   I hope we don’t have to go to another RE.     

I called the sperm bank yesterday after H. looked at the catalog and saw that you have to call them to order vials of our donor.   It was a bit of a panic moment.     They only have 19 vials left.    We will order our 2 later this week when we know when we will be doing the insemination.   He also does not have any IVF vials.    I guess we might be searching for a new donor if I don’t get pregnant this cycle, but I am hoping instead that I am pregnant in 4 weeks and we are doing a mad scrabble to find money to purchase a bunch of vials to work on baby #2.   Look at that not even pregnant with baby #1 and we are thinking of baby #2.   How silly this whole process is.   I will report back once we have used the gonal-F pen.   Yippee and Yikes.

On pins and needles

This is going to be short because we are going out of town for a wedding in less then 20 minutes.    But we are really on pins and needles waiting for my period to start.   We went in and we are now Gonal-F knowledgeable.   We of course have not tried any injections on any person in this house (yikkes thats me) but we both seemed confident with the dummy injection site.    We have a ton of hope for this cycle.   I love, love, love doing something that is new and different.

It was a week of friends around here.   Olive was in town from Insert Metaphor.   It was amazing nice to see her.   We are as she wrote old friends, and sometimes an old friend is just who you need to see.   Of course we also saw D from Puffer and the Baby Fish, and I think sometimes is really good to connect with new friends too.  (I hope she was feeling the fertile wishes I am sending in her direction)  I am again so grateful for this blog and for all of you reading it. Friends, old, new, and only through this internets, are sustaining and wonderful.   I hope you all have a good weekend.

hi there

We are back from the radio silence. I have been reading everyone’s blogs in 4 day increments, and I have been doing horrible at commenting. I am sorry guys.

We had such a good time with H.’s mom and our niece, A. A is 5 and she is fun, loving and smart. We are lucky she is okay being away from her family for 8 days because we loved to have her for that long. H.’s mom, probably realizing that we miss being close to A, allowed us to be the primary caretakers of A while she was here. I realize a 5 year old on vacation is easier then a 5 year old in her normal life, but it was so fun. We went to the zoo, a Broadway show, the ocean, central park, a huge toy store, and of course to Vermont where she had her first canoe ride. It was wonderful to be an adventurer (as she called it) through the eyes of a 5 year old. She would discover adventurer’s treasures, collecting them, and we would sit in awe of them at night or a new game would be discovered.

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I can’t wait to be parents with H. We sort of saw our different parenting styles playing out: H = fun, quickest to play active games, pusher of the stroller, and happy to share her projects with A. L (me)= cook, bath giver, stressed out about bedtimes and such, and reader of bedtime stories. Heather and I are on a similar page about boundaries and discipline and I feel like we took a good job of sharing the responsibility of being the bad guy. As I said in my last post taking care of our nieces and nephew show me that we have a good partnership in the parenting department. Although as my sister-in-law has told me, it is really a blessing that kids do not come as 5 year olds, because those beings are tiring. They left this weekend, and we dazed out in front of HGTV (or as we say Homo Gay TV) for hours and I fell asleep.

In the midst of all of this, an HSG was done. I found it to be quite painful, but it was for a good purpose. The report is that the right tube looks great, and the left is not shabby but has scar tissue on it which is mostly likely from my surgery this winter. Dr. B. did not seem like that would interfere with getting pregnant with a egg on that side. I have been repeating this over and over and doing my best not to worry. We go in on Thursday for a “teach” about inject-ables and I hope to talk about the HSG a bit more. I should be getting my period around that time too. The hope is back and I am ready to start again.