failed science project #2

I don’t know why it feels better to call this process a science project – it is so clearly not that.   I fallen in love with the idea of a baby born in what ever month the due date would be both times, and both times I truly thought I was pregnant.   I think I am now in need of some denial of how attached I was to the potential (hope/desire/f*ck this might really happen) of both cycles and thus I am calling this a science project.   It is not really a science project it is my dream, our dream for at least a year and concretely since November.   We were forced to sit on the bench with this process and although I am so happy to be in the game, it can really hurt.  

Something I know all of you will appreciate is what happened when I called the doctors office today.    The receptionist answered and I told her I was calling for blood results and she said:   “the dr. will call you tomorrow.”   I freaked internally and said in as calm a voice as possible “can you at least tell me if I am pregnant.” shuffle, shuffle.  ”No you are not, call back tomorrow to talk to Dr. B” click.    I mean what the f*ck, wait until tomorrow?   

I am going to talk to Dr. B, I think I am going to ask to change something, and of course ask her opinion.   But I am thinking I want to be on more clomid at the very least – this is sort of akin to asking for a bullet but it seems right to me.   I want to talk to her too about what she thinks a time line could, or should, look like.

H. is working late tonight, so I am going to be headed home with a bottle of wine in my hand – I hope to not be asleep when she arrives at 9:30, but the bed after a big glass of wine is sounding pretty good.   

Thank you for all your hope and well wishes this cycle.   It means so much to both of us.   What dear friends you all are.