Butterflies

I was just looking at my calendar for next week and saw our appointment for Monday morning with the RE and I got butterflies in my stomach.  After both of our surgeries and the Bar Exam I have to admit that I was advocating that we wait a little while before starting the process.  I thought it would be a good idea to just relax and be “normal” for a while before adding another potentially stressful thing into our lives.  We were both so sad in November when we went to the RE thinking that we were going to do an insemination that day only to find out that L. needed to have surgery.  I have been scared about jumping in again.  We have been going through so much since Thanksgiving; from that crazy excitement to the agony of defeat (to borrow that old sports show introduction).  I wanted to take a break, breathe, focus on our relationship, and just have fun without worrying about any surgeries or big tests or anything.  When I mentioned this to L. she got really sad and I saw how important it is to her that we start.  As she said in her last post, she is concerned that her body is “weird” or unable to do this thing.  For her, starting the process IS being the “normal” that I was wishing for.  It makes sense to me to start now.  And, after first feeling a little torn about the timing, I am really excited about it.  We probably won’t get pregnant the first time, but what if we do?  And by the end of the year we have a little baby? 

 

Luckily, I am not the kind of person that frames life with the thought “With my luck…” because with the way things have been going recently that would mean this experience will be really hard and end in some kind of surgery or huge standardized test.  I am also not a person that feels that past struggles guarantee there won’t be any in the future (“things have been so rough that I am sure conception will be easy”).  I don’t believe any outcome is owed to me because I have worked so hard, have struggled, or am especially deserving.  Plenty of people are deserving of all kinds of things that they never get.  I think I am pretty realistic and grounded, but also hopeful.  It may still be a long road to get to pregnancy, and we will get through it with love, tears, and laughter (at least a little).  But, then again, it may not be a long road at all–it may start on Monday.  And that is an amazingly wonderful, exciting thought.